I am very precautious, afraid to affirm something is true, even if this "truth" is that we are not individuals, etc. blá blá, bcs it seems to me very dangerous when we think to have discovered something that others do not see. Such as a "hiden truth", ex. : "they dont know that they know. But I do know that I know and that they dont." When we are doing so there is a feeling of power associated. "I know this something which they dont" is the moment when we are "othering". I can try to put in different words : when we think ourselves freed from an ideology that is when we're more susceptible to ideologies. I still dont know how to deal with that. (this ideologies is what I meant by many layers of "truth", when I was trying to write this.).
But, well, at the same time, I do believe and imagine that some things are true. And I think it would be very cinic if I did not. Also because some things in life we dont simply believe or imagine, we feel. So is it possible to believe or feel that there is no truth ? Is it possible to feel nothingness? Even when we believe that there is no truth, we are taking it as a truth. It's like we're always biting our own tails. And I always find myself stuck in this kind of game.
I dont think that the feeling of nothingness is important. I trust more the feeling of everythingness, which is when we have everything, everybody, etc. inside our chests, feeling our hearts with something unexplainable and peacefull, but which happens once in a while in our lives - at least for me. What should I do in all the rest of the moments when I feel more like there is a me ? There is a big conflict for me nowadays on it. Because i dont know what to do. I feel like everyone is able to find their own way, and need to experience their path in loneliness. But is it ? Find what ? Should we try to help people, should we engage in political fights ? Sometimes I think this is arrogance, and sometimes I think that the denying may be convenient. I used to get very uneasy about this things before... But what I feel is that all this violent "fighting" is not a place for me. People get angry, they get violent, groups forget what they meant and begin to fight for something else. In the end, we have more from the same. But we will find our way. In the moments I feel more like I am the person Victória, I want to live the life as Victória, doing all the things Victória would do, because I am not coming back as Victória again. I am only Victória now. So I am trying to learn with the experience of being her. huahuahauahuaa
maybe I dont even think the same way i did when I begun to write. but its good to send it the same way bcs now I dont think it is so important anymore. its like I am freed from these thoughts and this is really good and a relief.